Still Two, Not One

The wedding is only two months away, and the couple is meeting with the pastor to talk about their wedding. During their pre-marriage counseling, the pastor talked about Jesus statement in Matthew 19:6 where he said about marriage, “they are no longer two, but one.” When they heard this, they nodded their head in polite agreement. Now they’re discussing the unity candle, and the couple is telling the pastor that after lighting it, they don’t want to blow out their own candles. He tells him that the symbolism indicates becoming one, but they explain to him that in their understanding of marriage, they each want to preserve their own separate identity. Like many who profess to be believers, they can’t imagine how the Bible could apply to modern society.

Fast forward five years, and the husband still thinks it’s OK to spend most of his free time with his buddies, living like he’s single. He complains to his friends how clingy and demanding his wife is. After all, doesn’t she understand that he needs to have his own life, too? He didn’t agree with Jesus about “two becoming one,” and so he sees his wife as separate from him. The Bible says he should love his wife as Christ loved the church, but he’s never given much thought to that. We’re individuals, he reasons, and she just needs to be strong enough to stand on her own.

As for his wife, she didn’t agree with the “two becoming one” statement of Jesus, and so (surprise, surprise) she also disagrees with the “wives, submit to your husbands” command. She’s pretty sure that if she can just shape him to be what she wants, she’ll be happy. The more she tries, the more she pushes him away toward his friends.

Their problem is not that they need to take a second honeymoon, learn to communicate better, go on a date once a week, or attend a marriage seminar. The problem is with their core beliefs about marriage, which are shaped almost exclusively by the culture and by their own ignorance. They have rejected the Bible’s essential teaching about oneness in marriage. Until that changes, they won’t have a strong enough foundation to build a healthy marriage.

Not So Fast

Ideas have great power and often take on a life of their own. An example of this phenomenon is the contemporary Christian folklore about fasting. We’re told that fasting doesn’t have to be about regular meals. We can fast from candy or from the Internet or from watching football. I’ve even heard about fasting from Facebook.

So a plea for a return to some sanity about fasting. First of all, it’s not fasting to refrain from doing something you shouldn’t be doing at all. Giving up two hours a day of posting trivia on Facebook is called a step toward spiritual maturity, not fasting. Cutting back on chocolate for a while is a great diet plan, but it’s not fasting.

Biblical teaching, not popular acceptance, should be our rule regarding fasting. When we examine Scripture we discover that:

• Fasting is always related to not eating food, and most often involves not    eating any of it. Perhaps this is because physical discomfort is necessary to    heighten one’s focus on God.
• Fasting focuses on spiritual disciplines such as:
   √ Petition – 2 Samuel 12:16; 2 Chronicles 20:3; Nehemiah 1:4; Daniel 9:3;       Luke 2:37
   √ Worship – Judges 20:26; Psalm 35:13
   √ Mourning – 1 Samuel 31:4; Esther 4:3; Nehemiah 8:21
   √ Confession – 1 Samuel 7:6; 1 Kings 21;27; Nehemiah 9:1; John 3:5
• Fasting is not only for the purpose of inward devotion, but should always    include acts of outward obedience – Isaiah 58:5-6

Of course, the New Testament doesn’t prescribe fasting as a necessary part of Christian living. However, Jesus did remark that after He left the earth, His followers would fast (Matthew 9:14). And we can observe instances of the early church practicing fasting (Acts 13:2; 14:23). To my knowledge the only clear instruction about fasting in the New Testament is that when we do it, we should make every effort to disguise it from those around us (Matthew 6:16-18). So if anyone we know is fasting obediently, we’ll never know it.
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* Two exceptions are Daniel 10:3 where he abstained from certain foods, and an instance of a food and water fast (Acts 9:9)

Marriage Reflections

When talking about marriage we tend to try to be funny or profound – and end up being neither. Love and human relationships resist our attempts to fit things into a neat little package, and the longer we live the more we recognize this. Yet at some level we want to understand what makes marriage work.

For Christians, we may begin with some basics: make certain of your conversion, read the Bible and pray, trust God, and so on. But then we look around and realize that being a Christian and pursuing Christian disciplines is no guarantee of a good marriage. In the quiet places of our mind, when we’re honest, we admit that some who are not believers have healthier marriages than some who are.

I think we’re too product oriented. We make a list of five or six ideals that characterize a great marriage, and when couples fail to live up to these things, we go back and tweak the formula, thinking that perhaps if we change the list we can make marriages more successful. So let’s start with these disclaimers:

1. God doesn’t owe us or guarantee us a better marriage because we’re Christians.
2. Going to church, reading the Bible and praying don’t guarantee a great marriage either. In fact, some Christians substitute these “spiritual” pursuits for the more difficult and mundane obedience of loving family.
3. Though it’s important to listen to good advice from others, a good marriage is not produced by following someone’s five keys or six steps or seven sure-fire principles.
4. Clear communication is not the answer. If it were, couples who continually communicate anger and contempt would have thriving marriages.

It seems to me that what matters most to a healthy marriage is the individual integrity of each spouse. The common factor in most struggling marriages is a lack of character on the part of one or both. Character is an inner love for good that produces good behavior – but here’s an important part of the definition – no matter what the other person does. It requires a worldview that conforms to Philippians 2:5-7:

    “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who, being in     very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be     grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant.”

Suppose during a wedding ceremony a pastor asks the couple: “Do you desire to enter into a relationship that will bring you greater fulfillment that you could possibly imagine?” Would it be hard for them to say “We do?” What if instead he asks “Do you desire to enter into a lifelong relationship that will require you to serve the other person for the rest of your life?” If they responded with “We do,” at what level would they comprehend this vow?

Marriage has the potential to be the most rewarding of human relationships. But nowhere does God promise that it will satisfy all your deepest longings. Even God doesn’t do that (here and now). God has designed everything in this life, no matter how great it is, so remind us of a greater truth expressed in the words of C. S. Lewis

“I have found a desire within myself that no experience in this world can satisfy; the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”

Worship

God the Father seeks people who will worship Him in spirit and in truth (John 4:23). For our sakes it is fortunate that He does the seeking. The Holy Spirit creates in us a sense of awe and reverence for the Father that we could never manufacture on our own. As a church, we can’t produce true worshipers. Our only contribution is to provide instruction and an atmosphere to nurture a worshiping heart.

So as we should, we teach about private worship. We speak of personal disciplines that develop a habit of worship. We also give instruction regarding corporate worship, that which occurs when a church meets. We assume, however, that structure and atmosphere are already in place. This is especially true regarding Sunday music. We assume the only obstacle to music worship is the desire of the participant.

In reality, there are things we do that hinder music worship. One is a lack of quality. Psalm 33:3 speaks of music played skillfully before the Lord. It’s not that only the professionals should lead music. It’s that we vastly overestimate the willingness of worshipers to endure participation in mediocre performances.

Ironically, another hindrance stems from an overemphasis on quality. We wrongly assume that spiritually unqualified musicians have little effect on the overall atmosphere of worship.

Another obstacle is stifling routine. The Old Testament Psalmbook showcases a wide variety of music structure and lyrics. Yet we sing our favorite few, week after week.

But the irony of routine is that some of it is essential. Whether they know it or not, churches that introduce new songs week after week tend to produce observers, not participants. And if we object that it is only older generations who seek routine, we ignore the evidence that even younger generations welcome a measure of predictability in their chaotic lives.

So I guess we can conclude that it’s complicated. We must commit ourselves to a relentless and ongoing evaluation of what we do with worship music. We ought to look at every aspect with this question in mind: “Does this contribute to producing worshipers?” Perhaps one of the best things we could do is ask those who sit before us each Sunday. I’m relatively certain that many of them already have some answers for us.

The Iceberg

What does success look like for a church? How do we measure it? How can we know it’s been achieved? First answers may focus on externals such as the size of membership, the quantity and quality of programs offered, or the magnificence of church facilities. Following these we may suggest more substantive measures such as the number of conversions or the discipleship quality of those who attend.

It’s not that these things are illegitimate standards. To some degree they are a window into the effectiveness of a church’s ministry. The problem is scope. We gauge success based only on what is immediately visible and obvious.

Like an iceberg, much of the life of a spiritually healthy church is not immediately visible. The bulk of what believers do to proclaim the gospel and to serve others occurs through non-programmed channels. Throughout my ministry I’ve been delighted to learn about people doing these things “behind my back.” Not seeking my approval or waiting for a church program, but humbly serving in the name of Jesus. Though I want the various ministries of our church to do well, to a greater degree I want to measure success by how well these ministries translate into obedience under the surface.